Getting What I Want

I've finally got it all figured out. My goals will all be achieved will little effort. Fait acompli without breaking a sweat. Here's how.

Tonight as I am getting ready for bed, I'm going to layer my pajama's. Thin blue first. Flannel kitten pants. Wild hockey jersey over top. (Baby it's cold out side.) I'm gonna make sure I am slightly a strew and must up. Then I'm going to jam my tootsie's into my kids slippers and off I go. I will raise my arms out straight in front of me all sleepwalking zombie ish, and the fun begins.

Everyone knows when one is sleepwalking you never ever wake them for fear of a crazy psychotic episode and will follow a short distance behind me, scared to wake me, watchful in case I step off a cliff or through a plate glass window or lesbian bar.

I'm going to walk into the treatment center with a fifth of Jack and start rearranging things while quoting Ben Jonson. Then I might march over to the gym and straight into the men's locker room and start labeling body parts with my cake decorating kit and they can't stop me for fear I will freak out and go nuts and embarrass myself. And next I will shuffle into the prison's kitchen and climb into the steam kettle and pretend to row it like a kayak as I yell racial slurs and accidentally wack people with my paddle when they come near. The airport will be my last destination where I'll just march onto an airliner waiting to board with hands in front of me, navigate the plane from the pilots seat to the warm Caribbean. And it will all work as long as my arms are stiff out in front of me, cuz soon as my arms drop I'm just another drunk pervy racist in pajamas.